I think I just saw a spirit or a ghost..... or a Angel . . .

I know I saw SOMETHING!

I was laying in bed, just fighting with my thoughts, and I started thinking:

"GOD....??......... can You hear me?"

then I heard the answer in my head, in the most loving voice I've ever heard..

"I always hear you my Love, I never left you"

I dont remember exactly what I replyed, something like:

"why do I feel like I'm all alone? please help me hear you better, please help me see you"

I know I said (thought) a whole lot more than that, but I dont remember...

my thoughts kept drifting..............................

after a while I rolled over and tryed to relax...

when I saw something move by the ceiling and the wall between the closets....

it felt like looking into another dimension... there was a swirling purple light..

swirling clockwise like a seachlight on a helicopter or a light tower..

it was sooo clear and visible between my 2 closets but it felt like I was looking at

2 different dimensions at the same time.

WHAT WAS THAT??????????????????????????????????????

was that GOD????????????????????

 

 

OMG a whole bunch o stuff is commin thru since I woke up this morning!

I don't remember what dream I woke up from but I know I was talking to GOD, and I asked him:

"what is Jealousy?"

Answer:

its just a part of the EGO's job,  whenever you witness someone you love connecting and sharing love with another, the ego immediatly jumps in and tells you that now you have lost their love because it went to someone else now, it tryes to convince you that you are nolonger good enough to be loved anymore...           BUT...        None of that is true

The Truth is that LOVE can never be lost or given and taken from you like an object.  Love only grows. And your perfection has not changed either, you are still as much loved as before..

 

WOW!!  what a confused mess I was a month ago...

But I think I finally figured my problem out!

eversince I found this--> http://www.thevoiceforgod.com/movie.html , Things have been making more and more sense.. especially since I've been reading the book "The Voice for Love" ...

My problem was that I've been looking at life through the wrong set of eyes..  Its like I saw my life thru "ego shades" wich destorted my vision..

No wonder everything was a confusing Blurr!!!

Oh and now I got homework too..  LOL

Improving Health - 2 weeks ..   

Dunno how or what but I guess that'll come to me..

 

 

Khaled got mad at me again because he fell asleep and woke up...

I dont know why he hates me so much,  I didnt even wake him up!

He woke up all by himself..

my fault ..

But why???????????????????????????????????????????????????

What have I done so wrong?

first he hurts me and then he punishes me for hurting..

he really scared me this time . . cursing at me and pulling my hair, trying to scrunch me into a ball..

Thats not love!

I dont desrve this kind of abuse! 

I can't go back to Dad . . . and I can't stay with Khaled much longer . . or I will die..

what do I do?

Been stuck in hell . .  all alone . . . thought God abandoned me  . .  thought all hope is lost..

Yesterday I found this:   http://www.thevoiceforgod.com/movie.html

 

Its been over 2 weeks since I've writen anything here..

Eversince I had to start smoking weed again so I'll be able to make Daddy happy,

 I havnt been arround much.

Jillian has been taking over mostly and the important things in my life

are once again on the backburner.

Aslong as I have to smoke weed, I cannot be who a really am.

But Daddy doesnt care...

Maybe thats why Sokhom doesnt wanna talk to me anymore..

And I dont wanna tell Alex cause I dont wanna dissapoint him again..

I have to find a way to come back..  even under THC influence..

I hope I can make it possible.

 

 

I spend Thanksgiving at Athenas house today

Khaled didnt wanna come with me cause he wasnt feeling well..

The whole time I was @ Athenas I imagined him there with me.

A few hours later He showed up with Dad and Sheril and Steffi..

{OMG IT REALLY WORRKKSS!!!!!!!}

 

And Sokhom and I are talking again!

 

Lif Is Goood!

 

 

 

 

Yep, he's on his way to LA again . . .

For some reason Sokhom is stuck in my head today..

I wonder . . .

Yesterday I finally saw this Movie:

I THINK I FINALLY WOKE UPPP !!!!!!!!!!!

I can do and Have whatever I want!

For example this House right here

I can make enough Money to get away from Dad and live better than ever!!!!

From Now on things are gonna CHANGE arround here!

BECAUSE . . .

Howcome Alex didnt tell me about this?

 

 

Daddy backed me into a corner.

*Either i give him what he wants or khald and I gonna have to starve and panik.*

Dad had me driving to his house at 2:30 am

I had no choice

I have to survive!

Oh and I've been on the rag the last few days..

 

 

Got more drama from Khaled this mornig.

Couldnt take it nomore so i ran out n bought a pack o smokes

But not my usual Newports,  this time I thought I try Virginia Slims (ultra light)

And I had a verrryy interresting convo with Alex

Here it goes:

Nefer kitty: still busy?
Alex: Hello, I will be free within  15 min
Nefer kitty: ok
Alex: Sorry for the wake
Nefer kitty: no problm
Alex: Hello, How are you doing today?
Nefer kitty: im happy to see you
Nefer kitty: i been trying to get a hold of you for daayys
Alex: I was very busy in the past few days
Nefer kitty: i noticed lol
Nefer kitty: me too
Alex: What have you been doing?
Nefer kitty: i've been trying not to go crazy . .   im being hit with sooo much drama
Nefer kitty: i feel like im being kicked in every direction
Nefer kitty: sometimes i wonder if everything i did with you and sokhom was just a dream . .
Nefer kitty: right now i feel like im stuck in the same black hole again as before
Alex: Please explain your situation to me clearly.
Nefer kitty: omg i wouldnt even know where to start....
Nefer kitty: the best way i can explain it is like this http://KittyTales.BraveLog.com/
Alex: Can you break down you problem step by step
Nefer kitty: ill try..
Alex: Start with the least problem first and number them to the worst last
Nefer kitty: its hard to do with compleat insanity..  but ...     its like everyone is going crazy
Nefer kitty: ok . . .  the least . . . 
Nefer kitty: wow its hard to categorize . . .   i was able to stop smoking for a while again . .
Nefer kitty: until this morning
Nefer kitty: Khaled started another fight with me (because i cared enuff about him to be on his side and lookin out for him)
Nefer kitty: so i ran to the store and got virginia slims
Nefer kitty: at least their arent newports,   i got the lightest they had
Nefer kitty: im just so overwelmed i feel like my skull is gonna crack open
Alex: What was the argument about
Nefer kitty: he is mad at my dad cause dad is firering him,   but khaled had it commin cause he shows up at work and leaves whenever he wants to
Nefer kitty: and dad wont tell him that khaled is fired instead he tells him that he is broke and cant affored to pay khaled anymore
Nefer kitty: and i told khaled the truth because khaled thinks he did nothing wrong
Nefer kitty: and dad is trippin and drove me nuts for a few days because he can nolonger have sex with me
Nefer kitty: so he puts a major guilt trip on me that just crushes me
Nefer kitty: i'm totally broke and dad is now talkin about cutting me off because he doesnt want to take care of someone who doesnt take care of His sexual needs
Nefer kitty: how am i suppose to quit smoking and focus on growing when i gotta deal with all this extra nonsense preassure?
Nefer kitty: i cant do it
Nefer kitty: im all by myself and got no one to talk to
Alex: 1) You need to listen to me
Alex: I want you to remember what I have to say
Nefer kitty: i tryed meditating and prayng but i lost the connection . .    i dont think anyone can hear me anymore
Nefer kitty: ok
Alex: Right now, I want you to listen to me. 
Nefer kitty: listening
Alex: Do not write
Alex: I will show you the problem and will offer you the solution
Nefer kitty: yes pleeeeaase
Alex: 1) Kaled is addict to gambling, drug, and bad ethics
Alex: 2) You father and you do not have a good communication skill
Alex: 3) You do not have a solid foundation on yourself.
Alex: 4) You do not believe in God or yourself.
Nefer kitty: ofcourse i believe in God!
Alex: 5) When the going get tough, the tough must get going.
Alex: I am just revealing to you about your situation that you just reveal to me.  Now I will offer you solution to your problem
Nefer kitty: ok
Alex: 1) When Kaled do not have money or jobs he can not go gamling.
Alex: gambling
Alex: You must not give him any money to gamble
Nefer kitty: i never do
Alex: Do not say anything to him about gambling
Alex: 2) You dad did what he had to do, do not get mad at you dad for laying him off
Nefer kitty: im not mad at him for that,  i saw it commig
Nefer kitty: im surprised dad put up with khled for this long
Alex: What Kaled plan for work now.
Nefer kitty: he's trying to get work at home depo,   but he is waiting to meet this guy pete who is suppose to get him a job there
Nefer kitty: and pete never seems to be available
Alex: ok
Alex: 3) Try to avoid talking to your dad.
Alex: It seem that whenever you talk to him, you get stress out
Nefer kitty: im still financilly dependant on him untill my business starts making money
Nefer kitty: wich is another month or two
Alex: You try to analyze too much of what you dad have to say
Nefer kitty: he keeps talking to me in riddles,  i have to
Alex: Try to light up and relax,
Alex: If you do not light up and relax, you will be stress out, confuse, unable to sleep and back in the hole
Nefer kitty: thats where im at right now
Nefer kitty: i dont even have time to watch those training videos,   khaled and dad give me too much to deal with
Alex: You put too much stress on yourself, that is your problem
Alex: Remember, when the going get tough, the tough get going
Alex: You need to learn to love yourself
Alex: respect yourself
Alex: care for yourself
Alex: You are important to humanity
Alex: if you don't take care of yourself, who will
Nefer kitty: no one will
Nefer kitty: i know
Alex: Do not let your dad or khaled stress your out that you get confuse, worry and forget to take care, and love yourself.
Alex: The reason, you start smoking again because you do not lover yourself
Nefer kitty: sometimes i just wanna run away from them both
Nefer kitty: i thought i loved myself more than anyone here does
Alex: You do not have to run away from both of them, I will help and guide you to overcome all of this problem that you have
Alex: If you said that you love yourself then you will remember what I told you in the past about dealing with your problem
Nefer kitty: have i ever told u about my memory?
Nefer kitty: i been trying so hard to remember
Alex: You do not have bad memory
Alex: you have selective memory
Alex: You do remember, only negative thought, this is not good
Nefer kitty: then why cant i remember the things i really want to remember?   like stuff you taught me...
Alex: The things I taught you, you need to read it and practice it every day,
Alex: only then, it will be apart of you
Nefer kitty: when will u send me those meditation intructions?
Alex: It is nomal, for people to remember the bad and negative thought before the good and positive thought
Alex: I have asked Sokhom to send you the mediatation method, because I was very busy lately
Nefer kitty: she wants nothing to do with me  lol
Nefer kitty: sokhom and i are nolonger taling
Nefer kitty: talking*
Alex: She must have forgotten to send it to you, I will email her about this
Nefer kitty: no its ok,  she wont do it
Nefer kitty: we are nolonger friends
Nefer kitty: ill wait till ur not so busy anymore
Alex: She will not abadon you, she is your teacher
Nefer kitty: she already has abandoned me
Nefer kitty: she is not comming back either,  and if she doesm i dont know if i can trust her again
Alex: You need to be patient and wait and see
Nefer kitty: its really sad,  but i know i lost her
Alex: You need to give her time to grow as well, as she give your time and space to grow too
Nefer kitty: i am not bothering her,   i give her all the time she wants
Alex: You must have forgotten what I have told you already about the Almighty told Sokhom to stay away from you so you can grow and find answer to your problem on your own, because you are no longer curse
Nefer kitty: i remember...   it kinda seems like God told her to abandon me . .    thats just how i understand it
Alex: You should not hold any anger thought on Sokhom
Nefer kitty: i dont anymore
Nefer kitty: i have to much other drama to deal with
Alex: Remember, I told you how I taught Sokhom
Nefer kitty: and i have to learn how to work this new business i started too..
Nefer kitty: how?
Nefer kitty: u stopped taling to her too?
Nefer kitty: talking*
Alex: I only guide her and help her overcome her depression and curse
Alex: Once she pass the test, I let her grow on her own
Alex: I talk, less and less to her as time go by
Alex: She only call me if she has revelation or dream that the Almighty reveal to her.
Alex: I would explain and share with her the meaning of the dream and revelation
Alex: Little by little, she gain the knowledge to do it on her own
Alex: Did she would call and tell me the revelation and her knowledge on it
Nefer kitty: khaled is blowing up my phone... hang on for a sec?
Alex: She just asked me for confim of her decision
Nefer kitty: im so sorry about that,  he was mad that i didnt answer the first 3 times he called
Nefer kitty: im back now
Alex: ok
Alex: I told her she need to grow and learn and do things on her own, because soon, I will not be there for any of my students anymore
Alex: Sokhom, is one of my best students, because she listen to what I have to say
Nefer kitty: ok
Alex: She do exactly what I told her.  This is the reason why she is so successful, smart and becoming more powerful and enlightment
Nefer kitty: and she never misses an opertunity to let me know how much better she is than me everytime we talked
Nefer kitty: i know
Alex: She reach and achieve the enlightmernt every fast than other holy people that I know of
Alex: I believe she told you because she want you to share her sucess and happiness with her
Alex: remember that she is your daughter
Alex: don't foget that
Nefer kitty: she made me feel like a lesser person,  wich really didnt help me lovin myself
Alex: how did she made you feel like a lesser person
Nefer kitty: maybe she was my daughter in another life,  but in This life she treated me like im waaayy beneath her
Nefer kitty: and that hurt
Alex: In this life time, she is your teacher, you savior and your helper
Alex: and also you daughter
Alex: both of you are connect to each other
Nefer kitty: but she nolonger wants to be connected to me,   i dont wanna force her to be either
Nefer kitty: i dont wanna force anyone to like me or be my friend or talk to me
Nefer kitty: im not that type of person
Alex: how did she make yourself become a lesser person
Nefer kitty: and if she feels that she is too good or too holy to talk to me, then i wont bother her
Alex: what did she say to you that made you believe you are a lesser person
Nefer kitty: the last time i talked to her i felt that she was playing headgames with me intead of talking straight with me,  it made me upset for days
Nefer kitty: and she always assumes that im crying or near tears
Nefer kitty: she seems to think that im a pathedic cry baby
Alex: did you tell her that you have overcome the emotional, crying part of your life
Nefer kitty: its hard for me to talk to someone who looks down on me like that,  i did not want her pitty
Nefer kitty: i did tell her
Alex: what did she said then
Nefer kitty: we had vahid in the room too, and he was busy going on and on aout his life...  sokhom and i didnt have much of a chance to talk till later
Nefer kitty: when she turned into a psychiatrist when i asked her if she was still mad at me
Nefer kitty: i was hurt for days
Nefer kitty: i dont wanna get hurt like that anymore
Nefer kitty: i couldnt sleep
Alex: This is again, your flaw.  You take things too serious and too emotional, this will hurt you if you continue on this way
Alex: You and her seem to have some miscommunication issues
Nefer kitty: i think its cause she nolonger wants to communicate
Alex: I know that both of you do not hate or want to hurt each other
Nefer kitty: i could never hate her,   but im a lot more cautious now
Alex: both of you make mistake in your communication
Alex: I know how both of you think
Alex: I will reveal to you how she and you think about the miscommunication that you and she had
Nefer kitty: ok
Nefer kitty: i always wonted to know that..
Alex: 1) When you asked her "Are you still made at me" 
Nefer kitty:
Alex: This question is not a good question because, if she say yes, then you will not be happy, if she said no, you will not be happy because if she saying no mean that she was mad at you before and now she is not.  The truth is that the Almighty told her to give you time and space to grow on your own.  She did not reveal this too you, because she do not want to hurt your feeling.  You misunderstand and assume that she mad at you and don't want to talk to you.  Her flaw is that she listen to the Almighty command and try to not give you an answer but give you hint.  Her goal are that she want you to formulate your own answer to your question on you own.  She did not do a good job on this, it is because she is inexperience, and it hurt your feeling.  I assume you that she is not arrogant,
Alex: or want to belittle you
Nefer kitty:   ok thats a big relief
Nefer kitty: i hope that someday sokhom and i can be friends again
Alex: brb
Nefer kitty: ok
Alex: I am busy on the phone right now
Alex: I am sorry
Nefer kitty: its ok
Alex: We will continue our talk with this discussion later on
Nefer kitty: ok
Nefer kitty: thank u so much for your time
Alex: I am on the phone with my mom
Alex: sorry
Nefer kitty: send her my best regards
Alex: be patient, have hope
Nefer kitty: i will
Nefer kitty: thank you for your help
Alex: remember that you can overcome anything if you put your mind and believe in yourself and God
Nefer kitty: i needet to be remindet..
Alex: Bye, Good Luck, Take Care
Nefer kitty: bye for now    thank u so much
Alex has signed out. (11/5/2006 5:25 PM)

.....

Must take a break

Now..

 

 

 

Today Dad invited me to Bluberrys to have lunch with Steffi and her Mom.

Steffi picked me up and I was really happy to see her, I havent been able to spend any time with my lil sis in a year

I was surprised how much she has grown

we are almost at eye level now...

When we were at bluberrys Dad gave me this sweet *evrythings ok* look again, but I couldnt talk to him at all infront of Stephanie and specially not infront of Sheryl.

We all decidet that Steffi and I hang out at my house for a while and Dad slipped me $100 to take care of her.

She didnt need all that much and at the end of the night I still had enuff to get me that step 2 NicodermCQ box.

Steffi and I had a lotta fun and I got none of mybusiness done,  but Im happy that I finally had some time with my lil sis, i really missed her

I'm exhausted

 

THIS SUX !!!!!!

for some reason I can't seem to stop crying and I'm hurtn all over

I ran out of nicoderm patches a few hours ago and this shisha is really not helping at all

I'm compleatly broke and ofcourse I can't go to "Mr. Daddy" to borrow $50 for a step 2 box because he decidet not to care about me anymore all of a sudden

I feel like i'm in Hell and i would do just about anything for a cigarette right now

Khaled should be home soon..

He's just gonna get pissed at me if he sees me crying..  he always does..  wich is soooooooo NOT gonna help!

He wont even pick up the phone...

I been praying like crazy and even GOD seems to be on vacation

Once again i find myself surroundet by darkness and trapped in a vacuum where no one can hear me scream...

 

 

 

I just called Khaled to wish him a happy aniversary

2 years ago today we moved in together on Rochelle str.

He rememberd how happy he was when he found out that the TV was working..

"Its better than staring at the walls" he said..

But what I heard was: "its better than spending time with you"

I've been compeating with the damn TV for his attention eversince.

Ofcourse the TV always wins..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I talked to my friend Bela last night about my situation with Dad and that I'm financially dependant on him because Khaled has a habit of gambeling all his money away,  and he said this:

Bela: god samantha this is your life here were talking about

Kitty: i also love my husband, i cant just leave him, he doesnt even know about all this

Bela: well maybe you do but if hes gambling away the rent money does he deserve you?

Kitty: Bela i can't just leave my husband!

Bela: and why not? is this love ??

Bela: this isnt love its usury

Kitty: i dont think i will ever really know what love really is . . so i have no idea how to answer that question..

Bela : love samantha is being with the other person 1000% meeting thier needs first and foremost not your own wanting their welfare to more omportant than that of your own feeling so drawn to them that it hurts to be without them and knwing that they feel the same waay

Kitty: but that only happens in the movies

Bela: right yes like hell it does i have it now all f that and witha ldy from the states and were getting to gether for rel in real life early next year

Kitty: i hope u have the real thing.. everytime i thought i had that i got my heart broken

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow!  wake up call?

1 more time!

"Love is being with the other person 1000%

meeting thier needs first and foremost, not your own

wanting their welfare to more important than that of your own feeling,

so drawn to them that it hurts to be without them and knowing that they feel the same waay"

I dont have that!

well . . . I thought I did but it turned out to be all one sidet.

Like I said..  the TV won the competition over and over

so eventually I gave up and became numb..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for Dad . . . well he made it clear that without sex i'm worthless to him..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sokhom prolly doesnt even remember me..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm still trying to get a hold of Alex..

I'm sure he's just busy . .

. . . .

yea..

thats gotta be it.

Just  .  .  .  busy . . .

 

 

 

 

The Good news: .. Robert from IMVU created this amazing sceene for me wich totally made me happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Bad news: ... I just got off the phone with Dad and it looks like he is officially thru with me and is naturally gonna drop me like i'm hot...   

The Reason:  ..  Because he can nolonger fuck me!

I was suppose to go to LA with him in 3 weeks or so to get the tags on my car renewed and he asked me for howlong I want to stay there with him (without Khaled ofcourse)

The question made me very uncomfortable cause as usual I was afraid of giving him the wronng answer.  I wanna get it over with as soon as possible but I know he expects to hear that I wanna spend weeks or even months with him and the wrong answer might make him angry..

So I told him that it would depend on how he makes me feel..

He wanted to know what I mean so I told him that lateley we dont seem to be able to talk as openly as we use to and that he makes me feel so terrible guilty about being with Khaled and that I'm afraid to even mention to him that I might even be "slighty fond of Khaled" or that I might even miss him because i'm afraid to make him angry and that I feel like i'm wearing a muzzle everytime we talk.

He told me that I make him feel the same way..

Because he can nolonger express him "love" (he meant Lust) for me since I belong to someone else now and because he can nolonger touch me like a lover and because of that things can never be like they use to be..

I asked him if I was nothing but a sextoy to him then and his answer was:

"I guess so"

I always knew that in the back of my mind, but the shock still hit me so hard that I just hung up.

After I regained my composure I tryed to call him back but he ignored all my calls and after a while he turned his phones off..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a while I called Khaled and had him pass the phone to Dad..

My fears were confirmed.

He feels that we nolonger have anything to say to eachother.

He hardly said anything.

He is officially thru with me.

Usually he payed the rent for me every month wich is due tomorrow..

Where do I get $720 from now over night?

I am backed into a corner..

Looks like I am forced to sell my ass tonight if I dont wanna be homeless by next week.

First I lost Sokhom, now my Dad...  I wonder who I lose next . . .

I been trying to call Alex for hours..

He's not picking up . . . . . . .

GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!

 

I dont know what was wrong with me the last few days.. I just been depressed and yesterday seemed as if it never happend.

I tried to read yesterday too but after the first paragraph i fell asleep.

The whole day yesterday seemed like a dream to me..

I miss Khaled..  He's been in LA for the last 2 days...

Tomorrow he's comming home

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But Today feels a whole lot better

Today I got started in another multilevel marketing thing and I hope something great comes out of it,

Went to Albertsons for some bread n stuff  . . . there seemed to be something positive in the air..

But for some reason everyone who works at Albertsons seemed to be super cranky today, they were snappin at everyone!

After that I went to the dollar store where I met this sweet lady named "Momma G".

I noticed her because the back of her shirt said something about GOD answering a prayer..

She told me that it was the short version of a poem she wrote and that she needet help printing the full version on paper.. 

Sounds like a job for Me

I'm gonna call her right this minute!

 

 

I just woke up and I see this offline message from Sokhom saying:

"You're still that loving mom that I see.

If Alex wouldnt have explained all this to me, my skull wouldve cracked open right now!

He told me that GOD told Sokhom to back off and let me fly solo , .. 

and that she is my Teacher and NOT MY FRIEND

But she's talkin about:"You're still that loving mom that I see."  and I dont even know what to make of this anymore..  so my reply to her was:

" I still am, aslong as you dont play headgames with me and act all superier, My mom wouldve beat the snot outta my face for that and she wouldve locked me in the closet for a week!   good thing im not like her..  and I changed my mind about letting u see my journal. Cause thats for FRIENDS ONLY! so i changed the link.."

This is too much for me to deal with right now,  its waaayyy after midnight, im TIRED, im draggin my ass back to bed!

GUTE NACHT~!

 

 

I've been wanting to let that out all day!

I finally got to talk to Sokhom yesterday morning and I finally know where I stand.

After a few minutes of smalltalk I could nolonger ignore that funny vibe I was getting so I just came right out and asked her: "are you still mad at me?" . . . .

A simple "yes" or "no" answer wouldve been a lot easier than the mindgames she decidet to play!

But lil miss "high n mighty" wanna come at me on her high horse talkin about: "think about your question"  and  "if I say no, what will be the result of that, if I say "yes" what will it bring" ...

WHAT THE  ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!!?

And she kept on talking in riddles, bringing up the past with my Dad and what HE said when I asked him the same question and I should just take the answer that He gave me back when and so on..

But I was Not asking my Dad today!   I was asking lil miss 'holyer than thou" and it was a compleatly diffrent situation!

I asked her why we just cant talk about it without the guessing games

But instead of talking about it like grownups she gave me the runarround and suddenly I found myself in a psycho therapy session wich just made my brain cramp up

It really made me wonder if she was really my friend or my shrink who saw me as a pathedic charity case , cause I felt like I was being played like a cheap video game

It remindet me that I was nothing but a JOB to her and her silly lil song and dance arround the subject only tells me that the girl still holds a grudge and will go out of her way to belittle me.

I dont need to be insulted like that!!!!!!!!!!

I actually thought she was my Friend!!!!!   I even told her that!

And I asked her if i was wrong about that and her reply was: "i think i should go"

That was all the answer I needet to realize that she has compleatly turned against me and is oviously nolonger interrested in a friendship wich is just FINE BY ME!

I dont need her pitty or her insults or her stupid Mindgames!

 

 

I'm still at Dad's house..  so much to say but no time to write it down..